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Tuesday, 24 March 2015

LHC Treasure Hunt Set to Continue

Great news within the scientific community and those who follow such things, that the LHC has been fixed, and those causes of anomalies in its performance have been found and overcome.

For those who are unclear about what goes on in the miles of tunnels beneath the alps at Cern, here is a quick guide.

You will probably all be aware that many pirates, particularly such famed individuals as Captain Flint, buried their treasures at points marked x on, at that time, uninhabited islands which went on to become such places as Florida Keys, Majorca and The Canaries. You may begin to see the issue.

The majority of these pirates never actually recovered any of this treasure which, therefore, continued to lie at the points marked x

According to pirate legend (from post binge tittle tattle, arcane notes on map edges and lists of those passed the black spot), there was one boatswain who worked for Captain Flint and, after a spat with the aforesaid buccaneer, transferred his loyalties to one Captain Higgs. His name being obscured by time (and struck from all good pirate lists for this infamous act of treachery), he is remembered only as Higg's Bosun (Boatswain - Ed). Since he was on every pirates' most wanted list and had been slipped a world record 67 black spots, he only survived a few weeks after taking up his new role.

In addition to this, there are some facts to back up the existence of this man who had made a study of all Flint's spots marked x and other pirates through that connection.

- Captain Flint's famous parrot was actually recorded, upon any query about gold to say 'Eight million pieces of Nano'  (Obviously a reference to the nanometers). His favorite unbidden phrase was 'twenty six pieces of string' (Ed - look it up yourself).

- The famous pirate captain Theodore Kaluza set off seeking a site on one island which was called "Scalar Field" on his re-named ship, The Graviphoton. Sadly, we do not know the outcome because all that was found after his disappearance was a piece of whalebone on which was written
 \widetilde{G}_{ab} \equiv \widetilde{R}_{ab} - {1\over 2}\widetilde{g}_{ab}\widetilde{R}
This note has puzzled those who have studied pirate notation ever since. What we do know is that he believed he had proved a theory on locating the point x by sailing outside our normal dimensional field.

- While tachyons were no big deal to the piratical community, one Captain Brute wrote extensively in his ships log about the possibility of reverse tachyon particles or anti-tachyons which would enable a message from the past to be sent. He postulated that Higg's Bosun would certainly have attempted this in some form and so, with the right laboratory conditions one might be able to pick up this echo from the past.

-  The works of the famous pirate Captain Plank also give us some clues.  (He was originator of making captives walk the same into the jaws of waiting sharks or worse, momentary black holes created by his fiendish device "The Collider Under The Lapland Eastern Snowbound Straits" (C.U.T.L.A.S.S.).

Plank postulated that Higgs may have removed some of the treasure from what he learned off his bosun and re-buried it at a new point x in a place which Plank called "Higgs Field".  This being so, the right development from his own early device might recreate a theoretical Higgs Field allowing future pirates to discover the point x.  All that would then remain is to relate that to a point in the real world.   Sadly, that seemed to be where the whole theory fell apart in all subsuquent efforts by such lesser pirates as Firmi, Einstein and Hawking.

Now our story moves on. Sometime in the late 20th century, a clever dick who was intrigued by pirates and particle physics postulated that with the right interaction of electrons, neutrinos and of course tachyons, one could identify and even recreate, if only for an instant, Higgs' Bosun himself and, if one was spectacularly successful, within Higgs Field.

This being the case, there would be potential to uncover the spot marked x and thus open the way to a treasure hunt with far reaching implications (such as some particle physicists becoming very rich).

There was a rush to put together a new generation of colliders and so, now the LHC is fully on line, there is much hope that this whole matter of x and what is at it can finally be solved.

Alun

Thanks to a number of scientific journals for source material including;
- Huffington Post
- Old Scientist
- Willie Deacon's (Aged 7) School Project
- Clickhole
- The Pirate Times
- Ladybird Book of Particle Physicists (and Pirates)
- How the point x proves there is no God (Dawkins)
- Brian Cox's 10 things you should know about the Higgs Field